


Dan Vs. The Impostor with the Pretty Face

by raccooncum (raccoonblood)



Category: Dan Vs.
Genre: Anal Sex, Dubiously Consensual Blow Jobs, Fluff and Smut, Hate Sex, M/M, Masturbation, Masturbation in Bathroom, Multiple Orgasms, Mutual Masturbation, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Phone Sex, Slow Burn, dan prepares to use his below average body to get what he wants, horny people don't get rights so each time they do it there's some form of bickering, im just now realizing how fucking funny this fic looks with the tags, listen im just horny and projecting okay im sorry, no beta ever we die like men B), the impostor just kind of goes along with it, they always have the vibes of being horny
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-11-07
Updated: 2020-11-26
Packaged: 2021-03-08 20:41:14
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 5,500
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27432955
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/raccoonblood/pseuds/raccooncum
Summary: Dan is getting tired of the constant late night calls about random bullshit. Mick is getting tired of Dan not owning up to throwing him in jail for 6 months.Both are Angry. Both are horny. Both want the other to leave them alone.So they make a deal. Dan helps Mick out with his dry streak, and Mick will stop calling him.But what if Mick wants more?(tags will be updated as each chapter is posted)(the name i gave for the Impostor, Mick, doesn't show up until chapter two. it's also not a canon name, just one i thought worked well)
Relationships: Dan Mandel/The Imposter
Comments: 4
Kudos: 20





	1. Dan Vs. Semi Phone Sex

**Author's Note:**

> I genuinely want to make a story line for this, but this first chapter is pure smut, so just, be warned. The next chapter will also mainly be smut but will have some semblance of a plot. The entire plot resolves around them fucking so theres little chance a chapter will be NSFW free. just a fair warning.

Dan closed his eyes, huffing into his shirt as he stroked himself slowly. It was the middle of the night, and he had so much pent up anger due to that damned telemarketer calling for two days straight. He pictured his stupid face as he pumped faster. He had no clue as to what he did to make him so upset, besides the identity thing, but he couldn't stand his face. His stupid, ugly, smug, handsome face just makes him want to punch him and kiss him at the same time. 

"God," he said, rubbing at the head. 

"i hate him, i hate ,, I-" 

His late-night fun was interrupted with a loud and sudden ring of a phone. Dan jumped up, hitting his forehead on his overhead lamp, and cried out with a string of curse words. 

"Stupid,, fu,cking lamp," he muttered as he lazily folded his cock back into his boxers and dug around in the sheets to find whatever throw away phone had been planted this time. 

He answered the call calmly, too tired and angry to yell at all. 

"What do you want," he breathed into the phone, slowly snaking his hand back into his pants. He might as well finish what he started. 

"Hello my good sir," said the Telemarketer. Dan could hear the smug grin that was on this man's face through the phone. That bastard. The image of his smile made Dan's cock twitch again. 

"What. Do you. Want," Dan said again, trying not to let a moan slip through. 

"Could I interest you in some of our deals regarding the grocery store chains in your area?" 

"N," Dan said, stopping as his breath caught in his throat. 

"What was that?" The Telemarketer asked, his smile not as audible. 

"No," 

"Are you alright?" 

Dan paused, a smile spreading across his face. He was bored and angry, so why not cause some chaos? The most uncomfortable feeling he knew he was having a boner and not being able to deal with it. 

"Yea,h. Yeah," he cleared his throat, "I'm fine. You just,, well, you caught me at a bad time." 

"What do you mean?" the Telemarketer asked, confused. This was not how he planned the interaction to go. It usually ended with Dan screaming at him and hanging up the phone in a fit of rage, only for him to answer again 3 minutes later. 

"Well," he heard Dan breathe into the phone. His voice was, well, very sensual. He sounded out of breath, and he pictured how his tongue moved as he pronounced the words. He wondered what else he could use that tongue for. 

The Telemarketer shook his head, clearing his thoughts as a blush crept up his face. Don't think about that. 

"Everything was going great. It was dark, and it was late, and I got," Dan chuckled. He was close to the phone and semi-whispering. He was trying to sound husky. 

"I got really lonely, you see, and I couldn't think of anyone else except your pretty little stupid face." 

The Telemarketer felt the tightness in his pants grow as he listened to the man on the other end of the phone. He could only imagine what he was doing, what with the heavy breathing and the hushed, somewhat raspy voice. He grumbled and spread his hand over his face, hiding the violent red covering his features as he tried to ignore the aggressive heat that was pooling in his pants. He was at work, he couldn't do anything about his problem that was growing with each word Dan muttered. 

"So, I pictured you on top of me. I pictured me squirming and grasping at your back as you thrust into me, with your stu,,pid.,, fucking,, face," Dan stopped talking as he bit his lip, working his hand up and down on his cock, picturing what he was describing, deciding it was much better in his head. He moaned into the phone, dropping his chin to his chest as he thought about the man that caused him so much rage. 

As for the man himself, he had suddenly gotten up from his black swivel chair, racing towards the employees’ bathroom. He forgot about the wireless headset, and he forgot about the man that was still connected to the headset. His ears were ringing, so he couldn't hear him anyway. All he was paying attention to was the violent erection that son of a bitch had given him. That bastard. 

He slammed closed the stall door, locking it behind him and scaring the man on the other end of the call. Dan quickly shut up, quivering in arousal as he waited for The Telemarketer to speak. Instead, he heard a string of mumbled curse words and the sound of a zipper being undone, as well as various fabrics being moved. He giggled into his shoulder as he realized what was happening, trying to stay quiet. 

"Stupi,d," The Telemarketer huffed, gripping his dick as he leaned against the concrete wall. He pumped aggressively, not trying to be pleasurable. He just wanted to get rid of it, but his mind kept racing back to Dan.  
"Stupid fuc,king, idiot." he stroked faster, his free hand running through his hair as he tilted his head up towards the ceiling. He definitely didn't expect his night to go like this. It was 1 in the morning, he was supposed to be making Dan's life a living hell, not jacking off in a public bathroom to the guy’s face. His stupid, pretty, face made him angry, and, well, kind of horny. 

Dan, meanwhile, had stopped stroking and decided to just listen. The Telemarketers' moans were surprisingly very cute, and he liked listening to them. He still chuckled at the thought that he was really doing this at his work. He knew he was good with his voice but he didn't expect him to be so desperate. 

The Telemarketer continued to pump, feeling the head of his cock twitch underneath his palm. He couldn't cum on his shirt, his shift wasn't over until 6, but he knew he was getting close. 

"Da,n." he muttered, closing his eyes in bliss as it became harder to catch his breath. 

"Da,," he tried to mutter again but got cut off as a wave of pleasure overtook his body. His muscles tensed up as he let out a quick and, quite frankly, very loud "FUCK", followed immediately by a hoarse moan. 

He grunted as he began to cum, catching it in his hands so it wouldn't get on his button-down. He rode through his orgasm, panting and sweating. His voice became quieter and quieter as his seed slowed down. He kept his eyes closed for a bit, listening to his own heartbeat and the sound of the fluorescent lights buzzing. 

"Oh my g,,od." he whispered. It had been quite a while since The Telemarketer had the chance to pleasure himself. He didn't feel comfortable doing it in jail, and most of his time was spent calling Dan. 

"Did my voice make you do that?" 

The Telemarketer jumped, almost tripping in the stall as his free, non cum-covered hand slammed over his mouth. 

"W,wa,,it you, h,old on, you were," 

"Still on call? Yeah. It's a wireless headset, dummy," Dan laughed into the cheap, throw away phone. His eyes were tired, and he still had his own erection to deal with. 

"Y,ou were here the whole time?" he asked, still hazy from the organs that had just rushed through him. 

"Yes, why wouldn't I be?" 

The Telemarketer didn't say anything. His face became red again, this time from embarrassment. He pinched the bridge of his nose, letting his now semi-limp cock fall against his clothed thigh. 

"Well, sweetheart," he said, beginning to stroke again, "It's been fun, but I need to head out. Try not to think of me too much," 

The Telemarketer opened his mouth in protest, but he was cut off again. 

"Don't worry about this little thing we did together. I didn't know you were that desperate to jack off in the damn company shitter!" Dan said laughing, "I'll make it up to you, I promise. But don't call me, okay? Or I'll twist your neck off." 

He hung up the phone and threw it across the room. It slammed into the wall and broke, like the cheap thing it was. Dan fell back into the mountain of pillows and blankets, his eyes closing in sheer tiredness. 

That hadn't exactly gone to plan, but oh well. Time to jack off until his body passed out. Then, well, he had to start planning something. 

The Telemarketer listened to the dial tone for a bit, still trying to breathe again. He furrowed his eyebrows in anger. He can't believe this has happened. He didn't know if he should be mad at the guy or impressed. He knew he shouldn't be aroused, but that feeling was there too. 

He grumbled a few extra curses, grabbed some toilet paper, and wiped the head off his cock and the palm of his hand off, throwing the crumple of paper into the toilet. 

"Stupid fucking Dan," he said again, folding his cock back into his boxers and zipping up his pants. He straightened his hair as he opened the bathroom stall and walked out. Time to get back to work.


	2. Dan Vs. A Not That Well Thought Out Plan

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dan decides to take matters into his own hands to get The Telemarketer to stop calling him in the middle of the night. It's a lot messier than he thought it would be.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is my first time writing actual smut? like it's always been mouth and hand stuff but this is the first time writing actual sex, so like, enjoy the shitty writing.

The Telemarketer sighed as he unlocked his front door, setting his bags down in the middle of the hallway. He closed the door behind him, locking it, and made his way to the kitchen, grabbing a water bottle. It was 6:30 in the morning, he had just got off of work from his shift, and he was still a bit hard from that phone call he had earlier. He couldn't really help it. 

He began to undress as he walked down the hall, throwing various articles of clothing every which way. The Telemarketer grabbed a towel from his hallway closet and walked into the bathroom. He turned on some music and stepped into the shower. He didn't close the door. He didn't turn on a light. He simply turned on the hot water and let it run over his naked body, trying to relax his muscles. 

He hummed the tune to himself as he closed his eyes and just stood there. It was peaceful. His mind subconsciously went over the events of today, a feeling of heat beginning to pool as he got to the more recent ones. He was alone in his own home, he could reward himself with a little fun. 

Meanwhile, Dan, who had finally gotten some peaceful sleep, was making his way over to The Telemarketer's apartment. He was going to keep his promise to make it up to him, and a little breaking and entering was more than deserved after all the sleepless nights he had been put through. 

Dan quickly picked the lock to the front door, closing it behind him. He made his way throughout the house, paying no attention to the figure in the shower as he searched for a candle, and maybe some incense if he was lucky. 

He placed the candle on the bathroom sink, lighting it and the incense. He took off his clothes and pulled back the shower curtain to find The Telemarketer in the middle of jacking off again. His face was flushed and contorted into a look of pure bliss. It was short-lived though, for as soon as he heard the pull of the curtain, the second, slightly taller and buffer man, screamed. He raised his leg to cover his crotch, hands grasping at the shower curtain like it was some sort of shield. 

"Oh shut up and relax, it's just me," Dan said with an eye roll, stepping into the shower and adjusting the temperature. 

There was a pause as The Telemarketer tried to understand what was happening. His mind was only processing the pretty, freckled, and pale back of the shorter man, and how the water dripped down his skin, and how the candlelight definitely did wonders for his skin tone. But that wasn't the point. 

"What the fuck are you doing in my house?!" The Telemarketer exclaimed, continuing to stare at the eye candy in front of him. Dan began to turn around to face him, so he averted his eyes to have some manners, choosing to stare at a corner. 

"I'm here to take a shower," Dan said bluntly. 

"Couldn't you have maybe, oh, I don't know, done that at your own damn house?!" His face was flushing as he backed up against the wall, dick quivering between his legs like a scared, horny dog. 

Dan said nothing, just simply stared at the man in front of him. 

"Nah," he said, shrugging his shoulders. 

"Alright," The Telemarketer swallowed hard, clearing his throat afterward, "Why can't you take a shower in your own home?" 

"Because, if I was in my own shower, I wouldn't be able to do this," Dan said, gently grasping The Telemarketer's cock in his hand, using the shower water as lube as he began to stroke him up and down. A moan escaped The Telemarketer's lips as he tried to cover his mouth, failing. 

A grin spread across Dan's face as he looked The Telemarketer up and down. 

"God, does all thinking leave once there's a hand on your dick?" 

The second man furrowed his eyebrows, grumbling words under his breath. 

"What was that? I couldn't hear you." Dan said with a smile, stroking painfully slow. 

"I said," The Telemarketer exclaimed, shifting uncomfortably in Dan's grip, "You're a fucking cunt." 

Dan's smile faded as he gripped the dick in his hands tightly, pulling it towards him and earning a wince from the owner of said dick. 

"Ow,, o, fuck, stop!" 

"Fine," Dan said, letting go completely. The Telemarketer glared at him, cupping his dick in his hand as he pinched the bridge of his nose again. 

"What the fuck do you want? Why are you here?" 

"I came to keep my promise." 

"What fucking promise?!" 

Dan simply rolled his eyes and began to get on his knees, placing his hands on the inner thighs of the man. He stared up at him, a grin plastered across his face as he eyed the cock in front of him.

"Just be grateful, and don't push your good luck." 

The Telemarketer was about to say something but, again, got cut off as Dan began lapping at the head, making all the breath in his throat hitch. He subconsciously gripped the hair on Dan's head, tugging slightly as he bit his lip. 

Dan just ignored him and went back to sucking, using his tongue for support and he trailed along the underside of the thick cock in his mouth. He followed a vein, earning a whimper from The Telemarketer as he subconsciously thrusted into his mouth. 

“Wh,at,, you just think sucking my dick will make up for the 6 months in jail?” he said, face contorted in a look of anger and pleasure.

“No,” Dan said back, pausing his bobbing as he looked up at the man, “But it’s a start, isn’t it?”

“What do you mean ‘a start’?”, The Telemarketer exclaimed, closing his eyes. He still had no idea how this had even happened, but he wasn’t going to pass up the chance to have an orgasm that involved someone other than his hand.

“Why don’t we talk about this when we’re not soaking wet, and when I don’t have a dick in my mouth? It’s hard to talk since you’re, well, bigger than most men.” 

The Telemarketer blushed and rolled his eyes, grumbling something in return.

“Flattery will get you nowhere,” he told him, letting his grip on Dan’s hair loosen.

Dan just snickered and rocked on his knees for a bit, staring down at the floor. Instead of responding, he simply went back to sucking The Telemarketer off, bobbing in rhythm with the man's rapid heartbeat. With every fourth or fifth pass of his tongue over the slit, a bead of precum appeared, and he lapped it up like a reward. 

“F,, fuck,” The Telemarketer moaned, gripping Dan’s hair again, moving his head up and down slightly. He could feel the head of his cock twitching under Dan’s tongue, the heat pooling in his torso becoming more and more aggressive.

The Telemarketer didn't say anything the second time he came, he simply groaned in pleasure and let out a deep breath, doubling over slightly, his face a deep crimson. He didn't know if Dan would be okay with swallowing or not, so he let his cock fall out of the man's mouth and came on his face, his body jerking forward. His cock twitched with each pump of his seed, the flow slowing down as his heartbeat decreased.

He leaned up against the shower wall, breathing heavily as he gently caressed Dan's head. It was very sensual, and both men just existed for a bit with each other in the shower. The only noise in the bathroom was the music, the water hitting the porcelain, and the sound of their breathing.

"That any better?" 

The Telemarketer simply sighed and stayed quiet, knowing that Dan was smirking up at him without being able to see him.

"Fuck. Off." 

"Aww, that's not very nice," Dan said in mock sadness.

“Yeah, well, whatever. You still never said why you’re here,” He took his hand off of Dan's head and ran his fingers through his own hair. Dan didn’t say anything in response. He stood up and let the shower water wash off the cum that was on his face, grabbed a second towel, and stepped out. 

“You can join me whenever you’re ready.”

“J, join you where?!” The Telemarketer asked, trying not to slip in the shower as he turned off the water and grabbed the towel hanging from the rack. He loosely wrapped it around his waist, pulling back the curtain and following Dan. He didn’t get far, for he found Dan, still naked, in his bedroom, splayed out on the sheets. Various candles were lit and placed around the room.

He didn’t really have time to properly react, he just stood there, eyes running around the room as he tried to make sense of everything. When did he have time to do all this?

“What the fuck are you doing?” 

Dan, laying on the bed, began to slowly spread his legs open, making eye contact with a now bright red Telemarketer. He didn’t say anything in response, he simply began to finger himself slowly, biting his lip as he prepared himself to get absolutely rawed. That was the plan, at least. The Telemarketer looked away, shifting his weight from one foot to the other.

“That doesn’t answer my question,” he said, clearing his throat, keeping his eyes off of the man in his bed.

“I already told you, I’m here to make it up to you,” Dan said, eyes half-lidded as he continued to stretch himself out.

“Can I just go to sleep please?” he asked, adjusting the towel around his waist. “It’s really late, and I’ve had a long day, and you made me fucking jack off in a bathroom, and-”

“Shut up.”

The Telemarketer stopped and stared at the man laying down on his bed.

“Excuse me?”

“I said shut up. God, you never stop talking! It’s so annoying,” Dan said trying to hide a smirk. The Telemarketer, however, was not smirking. He crossed the rest of his bedroom to his bed and grabbed Dan by the throat, pushing him down onto the bed more and pinning him down underneath him. Feeling the pressure around his throat, as well as the absolute boldness of The Telemarketer made his cock throb in anticipation, arousal, and a bit of fear.

“Don’t tell me to shut up.” he breathed into Dan’s ear, his voice becoming deeper and raspier. It sent chills down Dan’s spine, and his eyes were wide as he gripped The Telemarketers wrist.

“Now,” he said, letting go of Dan's neck, “Change positions. You wanna make it up to me? You’re the one who’s going to do the work.” 

After a bit of awkward shuffling, The Telemarketer laid against his bed frame, opening his legs to give Dan easy access to his half-hard cock. Dan was beginning to sit in his lap, placing his hands on the other man's chest, his face a deep pink. He lifted his hips up and looked over his shoulder, ignoring the gaze from The Telemarketer that was burning into his body. He could feel his eyes run up and down his body as Dan reached behind him, but before he could line himself up, The Telemarketer gripped his elbows.

“W,wait” 

“What?” Dan asked, an unamused look plastered across his face.

“That’s gonna hurt,” he said, embarrassment creeping onto his face.

Dan stayed quiet for a bit, confused, before it finally clicked.

“Well do you have anything?” he asked, a bit annoyed.

“I don’t fucking know! It’s been quite a fucking bit since the last time.” The Telemarketer huffed, reaching over to his nightstand and digging around in the draw absentmindedly. He produced a small bottle of lube and unscrewed the cap. Before he could pour any into his hands, Dan decided to take upon the responsibility of pouring the cold fluid directly onto The Telemarketer's cock.

He flinched a bit, inhaling when he felt the cold sensation. Dan grinned and began to stroke him to cover the base of the fine specimen that was in front of him. Much like the dilemma with The Telemarketer, it had been quite a while since he was able to get off with the help of someone else, and the idea of getting filled with a dick this big made his own twitch again.

After he had fully applied the lube, Dan went back to lining himself up with the cock laying under him. After a quick inhale, Dan slid downward, feeling every inch fill him until he finally reached the hilt. 

His own breath hitched, and he felt The Telemarketer gip his thighs tightly.

“Fuckkkkkk.” he groaned out, tilting his head upward. He, of course, was quite sensitive due to how long it had been, and the feeling of both hot and cold, as well as just how tight Dan was, made it hard to not shoot within 3 seconds.

After getting accustomed to the cock inside of him, Dan placed his hands on his companion's chest and prepared to lift himself up again. He pushed himself up until the head was barely inside him, teasing his hole, until he let himself fall back down. He continued doing this, little noises coming from him each time The Telemarketer brushed against a particularly sensitive part of him. The Telemarketer, trying to help up, planted his feet on the mattress and bucked his hips upward slightly.

After a while, Dan stopped moving up and down on his own and simply let The Telemarketer fuck him upwards, the slap of skin on skin almost drowning out the music that was playing in the background.

“D,an.” The Telemarketer moaned, closing his eyes again as he felt surrounded by heat and slick, and just the feeling of pure bliss.

“Ye,, yeah?” Dan responded, eyes half-lidded and rolled back.

“I, hate you,” he said, out of breath. 

With one of two more good thrusts, he felt himself reach his breaking point. He switched to more aggressive hip-bucking instead of fast, trying to savoy every stroke as he rode his orgasm out. He shouted another loud “FUCK” and groaned, biting his lip. His desperate thrusting slowed down as his cock twitched inside Dan, cumming harder than he had before. He grunted slightly with each jerk of his body, but eventually, he was all spent. 

The Telemarketer let go of his grip on Dan's thighs, falling back against the bed as Dan laid on his chest, trying to catch his breath. He moved his hips forward, letting The Telemarketer slide out of him, and he sat back up to look down at him.

The Telemarketer glanced at the smaller man and noticed the boner that was begging for attention between his legs. He coughed slightly, getting the attention of Dan, and gestured to it.

“Are you gonna deal with that, or, well, do you need any help?” he asked sheepishly.

Dan simply laughed and nodded, gripping his own dick and began pumping. The Telemarketer simply watched, confused as to why he was doing it on top of him.

Due to how sensitive he was, and how well he just got rawed, it didn’t take long for Dan to tip over the edge either, and balled his free hand into a fist as he had a body shaking, toe-curling orgasm. He specifically aimed for The Telemarketer's face, trying to get back at him for what he did in the shower. The Telemarketer, however, didn’t enjoy this, and pushed Dan off of him as he scrambled back.

“What the hell?” he exclaimed, using the back of his hand to wipe the cum from his face. Dan, after finishing, just laughed happily, lying splayed out on the bed. His body was too tired to move or get up and get a shower, so he just laid there.

After getting up and throwing a towel over to Dan to clean himself up, The Telemarketer laid down next to Dan and stared at him. Dan pretended not to notice.

“Are we gonna talk about this?” he finally asked, fidgeting with his hands.

Dan shook his head and scooted closer to him, grabbing his arm and wrapping it around himself.

The Telemarketer was too exhausted to argue or fight back, so he let Dan move his arm and embraced him, closing his eyes as he drifted into unconsciousness.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry for not posting for so long i was ~~depressed~~ I'm gonna try and write some more chapters I just have to, ykno, think of stuff to write about.


	3. Dan Vs. There's No Sex In This Chapter Because It's Exposition

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Mick wakes up to find Dan still at his house. Dan has a proposal

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> content warning, this chapter says wh/re twice. 
> 
> hey look!!!! no sex. this originally was going to be added to the last chapter but it would have been real long so I made it it's own. They just talk basically but there's like, ??? idk how to describe it. dry humping and the implication of masturbation but no actual explicit descriptive nsfw. anyway enjoy

The sun flooded into the bedroom from the half-open window, the sounds of the bustling evening filling The Telemarketer’s ears as he shifted in the bed. He sighed slightly as he began to come to, eyes glancing around the room to find he was alone.

He sat up in bed and checked the clock to see that it was 5 in the afternoon. He blinked the sleep out of his eyes and realized he wasn’t wearing anything, so he crawled out of the sweat-stained sheets and walked to his closet to get some boxers and a white t-shirt. 

“Dan?” he asked lazily, poking his head out into the hallway. He heard the faint buzz of the TV from his room. He walked down the hallway, hearing the TV grow louder.

“Dan?” he asked again, walking out into the living room. There he saw Dan lounging on his couch, dressed in his everyday clothes, watching some late show. He looked up at him and waved a hand, turning his eyes back to the TV.

“Have you been here the entire time?”

“No. I took an actual shower about half an hour after you fell asleep, then went home to feed Mr. Mumbles, hung out with Chris for a bit, then came back here.” Dan said, listing each thing on his fingers as he rambled on.

“Oh,”

“It’s good that you’re awake,”

“Is it?”

“Yeah, I want to talk to you about something. I’ve been thinking.”

“Yeah? Thinking about what?” The Telemarketer exclaimed, sitting down on the couch next to him.

“I wanted to discuss an arrangement.”

“An arrangement?” he said, scratching his head. “What kind of arrangement?”

“I want you to stop calling me.”

The Telemarketer cocked his head to the side and chuckled for a minute. 

“Now why on earth would I stop doing that? You think it’s that easy to just get rid of me after what I had to go through because of you?” he snarled, all the niceness in his voice dropping. 

“Why are you even still in my house?” The Telemarketer asked, getting up to make himself something to eat. “Thank you for helping me break my 6 month dry streak, but you can leave now.”

“I’m not leaving until you promise not to call me anymore.”

“You haven’t given me a reason not to.”

Dan stayed silent for a bit, watching the man in the kitchen. He got bored and let his eyes start wandering, looking at how different his body was when compared to himself. He would have made a better Dan.

“What’s your name?”

The Telemarketer paused, sandwich in hand. Was he really gonna tell this angry gremlin his name? Probably not. But his mind still wasn’t fully there, since it kept drifting back to the last 20 hours or so.

“Mick.” he blurted out.

“Hmm.” Dan hummed, scooting over on the couch to give him some room. “Well, Mick, I have a proposal.”

Hearing Dan say his name like that did something funny to his brain, and his face flushed slightly as he waited to hear his proposal.

“It’s been, what, 6 months since you last got your rocks off with someone else instead of your hand?” 

Mick began coughing on his sandwich, trying to clear his throat to answer his question.

“Fuck man, that’s such an elegant way to word it.” he was able to finally say, wiping his mouth with the back of his hand. 

“What do you want me to say? Fornicate?”

“No, no, it’s just,” Mick snickered slightly, looking away, “Ah, well, nevermind. But to answer your question, yes, it’s been about 6 months.” 

“Alright, well, before you went to the slammer, how frequently would you say you fucked?”

“That’s a real fucking intimate question. Why the hell do you wanna know?”

“Just answer it.”

He exhaled loudly, reclining on the couch as he tried to think. “I don’t know, twice a month? Still, why the hell do you want to know?”

“Well, I was gonna propose I just helped you out 12 times to make up for the months you lost, and then we can call it even and you can get the hell out of my life.”

Mick blinked and remained silent. He was trying to process what he had just been told.

“Let me get this straight, you’re offering up your body to get me to leave you alone? So like a whore?”

Dan’s face flushed with anger and embarrassment, and in one quick movement, he punched Mick square in the face and sat on his torso, pinning his upper arms down with his knees. Mick let out a groan of pain and cupped his nose, feeling it begin to spurt blood. 

“You motherfucker,” he exclaimed, face red from being punched, as well as having a slight blush since Dan’s ass was resting right on the edge of where his cock laid in his boxers.

“Don’t call me a whore.”

“Don’t punch me in the face!” His voice was slightly muffled because of his hands, but you could tell his words were dripping with frustration.

Mick tried to sit upright and push Dan off of him, but instead, he felt two small but somehow exceptionally strong hands grab his shoulders and push him back down.

“We’re not done talking.”

Mick huffed and looked away, arms gripping the couch as blood began dripping down his chin and onto his shirt. He didn’t feel like wiping it away, and even if he did, it wouldn’t stop the flow.

“What else is there to talk about?” he asked, looking up at the man who was half straddling him.

“You didn’t agree with the proposal yet.”

“Why would I? Fucking me isn’t going to make up for it.” 

“Maybe not yet, but I did say it would be 12 different times,” Dan said with a grin. He scooted backward slightly, so he was seated more correctly on Mick’s lap. He began to grind slowly, watching the way Mick’s face changed from anger to pleasure. However, after about 5 seconds, Mick pushed him off of his lap and onto the floor. He hit the hardwood floor and made an undignified grunt of pain.

“What the hell was that for?”

“As much as I’d like to fuck the absolute brains out of you and put you in your place, I have to get ready to go to work,” Mick said as he stood up from the cough, shifting uncomfortably due to his half-hard cock that he would probably have to deal with. He fixed his t-shirt and strode past Dan to get ready to take a shower, mostly because it was the best place to deal with his problem, and left Dan alone in the 

Dan just rolled his eyes and pulled himself up from the floor, sitting back down on the couch and waiting for Mick to leave for work. Then he was gonna go pass out in a bed and have a, hopefully, uninterrupted sleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> yo yeehaw. now, don't expect me to upload for months because I need my goldfish brain to think up more of a plot cause this is as far as I got :)

**Author's Note:**

> so anyway enjoy. i hope to actually finish this as a real fic but only the future will tell. hopefully i make more chapters and hopefully you all come back for more! <3


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